I Thought You Were The Greatest, Now I Know I am.

I thought you were the greatest, I continued to think you were one of the best things to ever happen to me, I would have turned my life upside down for you and fought for you until the end of my time.

What's funny is that I wrote many letters that sounded something like the sentence above, fortunately only two of them were actually sent. The funny thing about it is that I would read these letters to the people closest to me and ask if they thought it would bring him back? I would ask if I got everything in those couple page letters that I possibly could? I would ask if it sounded like I did the memories or the feelings just? I would search their facial expressions or the sound in their voice when I would read the sentence that tore me apart to even write and if it didn't seem to effect them the way it did me.. then no way was it gonna get my point across to the person I was writing it too. I wanted my words to bring back so many things. I wanted them to bring a smile to your face as I try reclaim beautiful memories, I wanted to actually make you remember that I am a person that shared so much with you and that we had something so special and I wanted my words to bring that moment I was looking forward to of you walking through my door and remembering how at one time we were worth everything.As great as that all sounds, my words did not do these things for him, but I'm hoping that my words might be recognized as a sign of hope and growth. Because just like everyone else, I love admitting my weaknesses on a website that just anyone can read (sike). But I am gonna suck it up and share with you all the story of my growth through a torturing heartbreak. So, I'll be honest.. some time ago, the girl who once was always told that people were proud of her and how strong she was became the girl who hit the floor. No, literally.. I had to be picked up off the floor crying in my hands and knees and look at the worry in my friends and families eyes as I had no light left in mine, more than once. I'll tell you now, don't let someone take your light away. I struggled to do anything, I couldn't eat and I didn't care that the weight was falling off of me. I didn't wanna leave my bed, but at the same time I didn't want to admit how absolutely shattered I was. I would spend so much time in prayer, just seeking clarity and hope for my future. I simply felt like just giving up. The scary thing is about admitting these things is that literally anybody can read this and that means the people who watched me go through this might be learning how truly bad it was.

Side note- The person who I went through this with is a great guy. He is a wonderful person with an amazing family and I have no idea how any of this effected him. If he wasn't so wonderful, I don't think it would have hurt as bad as it did. But I'm not here to write about that, I'm here to show you how I am conquering each day and overcoming my fears of falling back to the ground again. I was falling apart and knew things had to change.

SO THEN. I focused on the love I was receiving from so many others rather than focusing on the love I wasn't receiving. I removed toxic relationships from my life and decided that I was no longer going to put up with being treated any less than I deserved. I looked at my plans for the future such as graduating college and "becoming so dang successful, you will have to see my name," during this time, this was my favorite thing to tell people when they say, "Well, what are you gonna do now?"

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I AM GONNA DO NOW-

I am going to rely strictly on God's plan and trust full-heartedly that he knows best.

I am going to do great in my last year of college and like I said.. become so dang successful that you will have to see my name.

I am going to love again, with a full heart.

And I am going to wake up every day and always give 100% of what I have because I believe that is the best that I can do.

and I am going to be okay with messing up and possibly hitting rock bottom again because now I know I can pick myself up.

I encourage you to read this post and not to feel bad at all about some of the pain I had to share, but to know that your mental health is so important and that even if you are getting picked up off the bedroom floor, that that may be the last time you find yourself so low. Learn your lesson, know that it happened for a reason and don't regret any of it. GROW. Love yourself and love the ones that are around, who are willing to give you their 100%. Maybe do like me, create a blog that may be your own personal diary that can be read publicly? Do whatever you need to do, reach out as much as you need to, tell the story however many times you want to. Get angry, get sad but then get happy. You are so important and the pain is SOOO temporary.

Know this, the person that you once thought was the greatest, may actually be a lesson that teaches you that you are the greatest and that's what matters.

Thanks for reading.

-CC